At what point do you decide to move on? I had a flashback this morning and got up half asleep and stumbled to the bathroom, my mind going over what I needed for a school morning. Bath, hair is okay, how much gas do I have , what comes first this morning. I think it was because I had not slept well and actually fell dead asleep at about 4 am. So when the alarm went off at 5 something, I was lost in some other place. A place that used to be autopilot. I don’t have any need now for autopilot. Everyday orchestrated for optimum performance. Eat right, rest right, medicate right, exercise right, no stress right.
Ah, there you go. No stress. Only someone lost in a netherworld as I of nothing wrong can understand how much one can crave stress. Stress would mean that I am happening. Some strand of people depend upon my warp or weft. As it is now, no one single thing will change if I just lay here. Relationships have moved on. I can’t think of one single person who needs to speak to me. Needs my input, or expertise. The tough part is that I can’t even rely upon myself. I can make a list and check it twice just like Santa and then myself can’t support the plan myself made. It is such a wicked twist to have your own body let you down in the scheme of life.
Has it made me more or less philosophical to be the recipient of the knowledge that the human body is such a marvel of design? Well, I guess it depends upon what definition you hold for design? When man did not walk as upright, then the autonomic system was working differently. As the animal began to go more vertical, then the timing had to refine to allow for the blood to counteract gravity. Maybe it took hundreds or thousands of years for this fine tuning. This lack of proper blood flow to the brain could account for the head bashing by cavemen and does account for my heart crashing gymnastics and lack of driving.
Well, many of you know that I was at the Mayo Clinic for testing and evaluations. I discovered that there is more reason for concern than I like to talk about. I ask questions about how long before permanent damage to my major organs because of the lack of proper circulation. The responses varied and one I liked was, “ All people are damaging themselves every second with improper sleep, food, medication, rest, relaxation, etc. (I received numerous diatribes on smoking, stress, alcohol, and lack of sleep!) I don’t engage in most of the worldly vices and get WAY too much rest and relaxation. So the ultimate answer was that they don’t know the answer. The doctors all thought it would be great if I went for quarterly neuro and cardio workups! Can you imagine giving one week every 3 months for needles and bloodletting? Even if I could find a sugar daddy willing to pay for, not diamonds and furs, but tubing and hospital gowns, I’m not sure that’s the route I want to go! ?Who wants to really know how down hill you are sledding? Do you want to really know how sick you are? It’s almost like having a gypsy lady reading your EKG every day, waves or lines on my palms, I’m not sure I want to know that tomorrow is not how I’ve planned it to be!
